Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.