“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing