*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Good advice.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.