Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I wish this was real life…
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
*puts my mental health in rice
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.