Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
time for some seasonal decor
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Golf would be better with landmines.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you