Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I hope this email finds you in a well