An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking