hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.