Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My new favorite headline
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A leaf blower, but for people.