“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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Sex so good you see dead people.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Ummm
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Baking is just science you can eat.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
another case of gang violins
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.