Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
host: ..without a HUG!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
How do you like your Corgi?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Things that won’t save you:
Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine