Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie