7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
You Might Also Like
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Yes, this is exactly right
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.