7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Dietest Coke
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“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
it is time once again
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Chicken bread
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.