I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HERE’S MARKY
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?