I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”![]()
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”![]()
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
worst…sale…ever
![]()
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?