Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.