Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
what are they serving at kfc then???
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My wife gives the best headache.
Steam Forums
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.