The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives