Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?