Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

Camping tip: No.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.