Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

cry laughing at this shit

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.