If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.