In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
In Canada they just call them geese
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Just a reminder, folks:
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
181.