Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
You Might Also Like
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here