We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
You Might Also Like
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard