I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
that’s really how it is
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch