I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
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Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan