Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You Might Also Like
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
O Wise One….
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Liquor Store Parking
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Thinking about Jeff
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Any refunds available?…
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone