[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
🛁
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.