People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.