Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Buying a well is money well spent.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Bike for sale
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot