everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My wife: I know it鈥檚 cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife鈥檚 hand in mine* Be safe out there鈥鈥檒l watch the kids
My toxic trait is telling people I鈥檓 down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Jesus鈥檚 ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh