everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]