“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
What kind of a cult is this?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.