Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.