For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators