Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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i smell a pulitzer
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu