an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.