an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
two people or more is called a problem
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop