waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“i am a sweet baby”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.