The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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Life is a suicide mission.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive