me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣