@bartandsoul

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

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@JohnLyonTweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

@Tmoney68

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

@Breadery

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@goodgrief_rats

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

@LuzJoy2

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?