Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Unexpected Judgment
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math