Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?