When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Kids, do not try this at home!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.