“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
fair
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
New favorite tiktok
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.