[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Body by sandwich.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Do not levitate over flowers
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.