Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*