Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps