i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Breaking news:
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you