“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?