All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.