Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys