Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
From Facebook just now…
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?