Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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Expect the unexporcupine.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*