Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.